On the 6th episode of Conversations with my Grandmother, Gogo and I talk about grief, and how no matter how many losses you have suffered. After experiencing a recent loss in the family, I have had to come to terms with the fact that not all losses are the same.
When my paternal Grandmother, MaLanga, passed away, I was shattered. She was the light of our home and while we comforted ourselves with the slight relief that she was no longer in any pain, the overarching emotion was sadness. Grieving her was straightforward.
A few months ago, our family suffered yet another loss and this one was not so straightforward. Firstly, the deceased passed in a violent, sudden manner - something our family has never experienced before. Every other passing had been somewhat anticipated because we had watched the person wasting away in sickness or age so the sudden nature of this passing left us with very little time to process it before jumping into planning the burial. The most complicated part though, was grieving the deceased. You see, they weren’t the nicest person, and were the source of much frustration and hurt. At some point, they told me to my face how they cannot stand me. I was angry at them, maybe I still am, and their passing left me livid because where do I put all these emotions? Even more complicated was the feeling of slight relief, knowing that we would never have to deal with their shenanigans ever again. The most complicated feeling, though, was love. I was actually sad - did this mean I loved them?
I realised the need to give all these emotions their place, to feel and validate each of them because although they are, at times, polar opposites - they are all valid.
In the words of Gogo, “I pray and I ask God to give them rest so that my pain does not hinder their path. Sometimes I cry when I think about them, but I pray that my tears do not block their path, but that they must be able to rest”
This experience has made me consider my relationships deeply, to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done, because when all is said and done, there is nowhere to put all these damn feelings.
Listen to Conversations with my Grandmother: The Podcast to hear more on the themes covered in the series.
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