My grandmother was 33 when she was widowed with 5 children to raise. This presented a myriad of problems and unimaginable anxiety. The loss of her husband meant raising her children by herself, and dealing with his mother - with whom she didn’t have the greatest relationship. The one aspect we rarely consider when thinking about this loss is the emotional turmoil and loneliness that comes with the death of one’s soulmate.
Following my grandfather’s passing, she dated and even though it wasn’t anything serious, she opened herself up to love and companionship again.
My friend, Bernice*, also suffered the loss of someone she loved dearly and like my grandmother, opened herself up to love again. And as we speak, she is planning her wedding to a man who loves her ever so softly. I had to know how and why she didn’t close herself off to love.
When Bernice lost her then partner, she had just tragically and very suddenly lost her brothers and was still reeling from that loss. I imagined this kind of loss to be different from losing a family member, but Bernice explains how low is loss. “I can’t say that loss was any different. At some point it felt like my future was bleak ,because my whole life was centered around him” she says. When I imagine this kind of loss, I think of the many hopes, the plans, the comfort and security that comes with being in love with someone who loves you softly and loudly.
The closest I have come to such loss is a breakup with someone I thought was the absolute love of my life. It took a long time to reconcile the fact that the many plans we had would never become more than that, that I had lost my refuge but unlike my friend, there was a slight possibility that I could get that back. Even so, I have struggled in love. I am unable to open up to others and let them in out of the sheer fear that I will get burned again. Bernice felt exactly the same. “ I felt or rather always thought that even with my next partner he would pass on and I’d be left to feel the pain and burden again. And the fear of what other people might think if I were to start dating again, that it would look like I didn’t love my ‘ex’ “ she explains.
“I met my now husband a couple months after my “ex’s” death. We met through Instagram at a time when I wasn’t keen on going on a date with him but my friends encouraged me to start opening myself again because I deserved to be happy .” she narrates. “Falling in love again was both healing and triggering. My “ex” was my second boyfriend and I can safely say he taught me how to love. He set the bar high. When my husband came into my life ,he made it easy to heal and that allowed me to fall for him because it was like he took the baton from my ex and ran with it. When I first went to my now husband's home (which he had bought a couple weeks before we met), I realised that it is in the same area as my “ex”. This felt like a hug from the Lord telling me I belong in this neighbourhood and sometimes I’d hate being in this area because I found myself in the same spots as I did when I was with my ex.” she continues.
“While my husband made opening up easier, it was still hard. At times when I’d miss my “ex” because of something as silly as driving , I’d ensure not to show my husband how I’m feeling. One day my husband spoke about how he’ll one day die and he doesn’t want his family to abuse me when he’s gone ,and I cried for hours! It felt like I was going back to the day I was told my “ex” was gone. I was however honest with my husband about what had happened ,and sometimes I felt my husband wanted to compete with my “ex” ,he thought it was a competition. So having to teach him or make him realise it’s no competition was very difficult, I think it still is.” she explains
Bernice’s story shows God’s restorative nature and how the life of our dreams lies beyond our fears. “Fear is inevitable honestly, but I prayed it away and I still do. I still think my husband is also going to die and I’ll be left alone, even to a point where I’ve said I’d rather die first than experience the pain of losing a partner twice, but like I said - I pray this fear away. Loving again feels really good and I’m grateful that I’m with someone who really loves me.” she says.
“I encourage everyone to give love another chance. We’re not made to be alone, that’s not God's order for our lives. I’m a living testimony that God wants nothing but good things for us. I felt like with my “ex”, the Lord was giving me a glimpse of the life I’ll live with my husband ,and he was teaching me or rather preparing me to be ready for my next. No time is wasted. Everything has a reason it happens ,so learn from it and move with it forward. It’s worth it”
In the words of the late Dr Maya Angelou, “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time”
Listen to Conversations with my Grandmother: The Podcast to hear more on the themes covered in the series.
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